Sep 21, 2015

Have you ever wanted something so much you could taste it?

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I feel like crying. I have been crying. There is a weight in my stomach that feels like I swallowed a lump of Playdough. I don’t really want to talk to anyone and yet I want comfort. Have you ever felt this way? I bet you have.

I have 4 people signed up for the workshop. They are an amazing four people. I am honored to work with them and we will do amazing things together. And yet today, I’m bummed that there aren’t more.

I really want more.

I’m good at coaching and guiding a class. I do all the things I say I do. So where is everyone?

And the kicker is that these four people are all people I know from my coaching work. They didn’t come through this newsletter or collaborating with anyone else to promote me to their clients and friends. All my promotional efforts seem to have had no effect whatsoever.

I hate being ineffective. That’s one of my biggest shame triggers.

Combine being ineffective (aka wasting time) with asking vulnerably for what I want and the fear that I’m not good enough and I won’t be able to make enough money doing this coaching work because if it was a viable job I would be making more money.

The mind loves certainty and telling stories. My mind today is casting around for a story that fits some of the data and my expectations.

If only four people sign up, does it mean:

  • The subject’s irrelevant and people just aren’t interested?
  • I don’t know enough about what to say or how to say it?
  • I shouldn’t have taken the summer off?
  • And the bottom line, if I try and fail, does it mean I’m not good enough?

These questions could lead to good information and course corrections if asked gently, with curiosity. But so often the story-making-questions come with a load of judgment, blame, and preconceived ideas of what’s “right”. Many times the first stories when we fail are painful. But the mind is a meaning maker and certainty trumps pleasure (or even truth) every time.