From Criticism to Connection

  • Are you too busy for the people you say you love?
  • Are you lonelier and less connected than you’d like?
  • Do you feel yourself longing for more understanding and naked belonging?

I know how it feels. I used to be there too (and – truth in advertising – still feel all of this sometimes). Now I’m usually:

  • In love with my life,
  • On my own team rather than criticizing and blaming myself,
  • Experiencing loving harmony in my relationships.

    This is so good that I want to share it with you. Schedule your free half hour to talk with me. We’ll connect with what you want, what you need, and how to help you get there.

Pick a time for the quickest way to connect.

Life is busy. I get it.

Yet you long for connection. You ache to be understood. You want to be wanted. The busy-ness of life is partially there to protect you from your own longing and keep you from getting hurt.

There’s another way.

Rewire your experience of vulnerability feeling it as warm and connecting rather than harsh and injurious.

Call me and let’s do it together.

Practicing what I preach, I found my way into love, ease, and ecstatic connection during my recent vacation.

When my feelings got hurt, instead of staying stuck in judgement of myself, my partner, or our relationship I got curious, gentle, and vulnerable.

What I learned surprised me and freed both of us for more authentic love and connection.

Want to do it, too? Schedule your free 30-minute coaching call. 

When you go for it, do you regret it later?

Do you never go for it and regret it later?

Passion plus self-responsibility is a powerful combination.

Learn ways to find them for yourself in this video. Then book a time for your free 30 minute coaching call and let’s find some more. 

I’m so critical. I hate it. But if I don’t nag, nothing will get done. Can you help?

Relationships bring up our shadows and unresolved stuff. Add kids to the mix and it intensifies. It’s a pressure cooker. When you’re in the pressure cooker it’s hard to get enough space to reflect and notice what you’re feeling and what you need. You just know you need your partner to take out the trash, damn it. After all, that’s what you agreed to and he’s not doing it. It’s not about you. It’s about him.

I get it. I’ve been there with two young kids and a husband I nagged and criticized until we were both raw and bleeding.

I have good news and bad news and they are the same news. It is about you. Your happiness does not depend on him.

This workshop helps you have that space to self-reflect and get curious. To take breaths of self-reflection that feel like fresh air and freedom rather than like being hit with “it’s your fault” or other shame, blame and judgment.

There are other people in the workshop who get it, who’ve been there. None of us are going to offer you quick fixes or easy solutions. We will listen to you with an open heart and help you reframe the relationship as a crucible for connection. It’s about needs he’s trying to get met, needs you’re trying to get met, and your clashing strategies. It’s not about blame or figuring out who’s wrong. It’s not even about the trash.

If you’re ready to look at what’s going on and peel back the layers this workshop is a great place for you to be. Call me to get started.

What if I’m a perfectionist? Juggling it all? Overwhelmed? What does this workshop offer me?

As a recovering perfectionist, I love this work. Before doing it, I wanted to fix and change not only everyone and everything around me, but myself too. My focus was always on “the world’s a messed up place and I’m going to clean it up.” The pressure was relentless and the dissatisfaction was high.

Overwhelm and perfectionism were my doorways into Brene Brown’s work. When she spoke of shame I didn’t get it. When she said that women often experience shame as overwhelming ToDo lists and a nagging sense of failure, I got it. That was me. Her work lead me into noticing the shame that was underlying all of it.

My overwhelm was fueled by a fear that something about me as a human being made me unworthy of love, belonging, and connection. So I needed to be fixed to be worthy. And so did everyone around me including my kids, my parents, and my husband. They all needed to be better in order to be worthy of my love (of course I needed to be better in order to be worthy, too but that didn’t seem to make it any better for any of them.)

At first parts work and compassionate listening might feel like nails on a chalkboard since neither I nor anyone else in the workshop will try to fix, figure out, or change  you. So what’s the point? Give me a call and find out. It’s amazing.

But I hate cliffhangers so I’ll summarize some of what I’ve learned about me. Does it fit for you?

The Perfectionist is vulnerability armor. She’s trying to protect me from heartbreak, failure, and disappointment. She’s trying to protect me from rejection and loss of connection.

When I got to know her through parts work, I found that she was always disappointed, exhausted, and feeling like a failure. Nothing was ever perfect. She was always failing. Her habit when she felt like that was to try harder to be perfect. Her strategy fueled the very thing she feared.

Gradually, as I listened to her feelings, needs and values, she was able see herself. She began to notice the effects her strategies were having and to choose to act in ways that felt better. She no longer felt constrained by her old habits. Therefore neither did I.

We (the Perfectionist and my more conscious self) let in the realization that there isn’t any way to prevent feeling pain, loss, and disappointment. But instead of hitting the Perfectionist with words like “There’s no way to protect yourself. How can you be so stupid to think you can. Just stop it.” I met her with compassion and gentleness “I hear you really want to be safe from loss and disappointment. That makes sense. No one likes to feel those. I hear you feel exhausted from trying to be perfect enough to be safe. You’re welcome to be here and feel just like you do. No one is going to fix or change or tell you you’re wrong.”

She was able to self-correct. This is the brilliant thing that happens when we stop trying to fix, figure out, and shame ourselves into being better.

When the parts of ourselves are listened to with loving trust, they soften their death-grip on their strategies and start to take in new information. They relax. They experience being wanted and welcomed. Then they start to use their gifts and longings in service to the larger stated goals of the whole person rather than clinging to old habits.

This has happened for me and for most of my clients. Will it happen for you? Give me a call and let’s find out together. 

Why should I take time for this?

Life is busy. I get it.

Yet you long for connection. You ache to be understood. You want to be wanted. The busy-ness of life is partially there to protect you from your own longing and keep you from getting hurt.

There’s another way.

Rewire your experience of vulnerability feeling it as warm and connecting rather than harsh and injurious.

Brene Brown’s shame work coupled with parts work allows these parts of ourselves that try so hard – the Critic, the Perfectionist, the Practitioner, the Healer – to be welcomed just as they are and listened to. Spontaneous self-correction arises. The workshop bring a richness and depth to the listening as you are heard by the other participants and you get to learn from and see yourself through their stories.

I’m …
  • male, female, transgender, non-binary
  • gay, straight, bisexual, queer, lesbian
  • too old, too young, ageless
  • polyamorous, monogamous, open
  • kinky, vanilla, or curious
  • black, white, yellow, red,
  • single, married, dating, solo
  • a parent, childfree, or blended
  • non-English speaking
…Can you help me? Are your coaching and workshops for me?

Yes, to everything except non-English speaking. Unfortunately, I have not learned any other languages well enough to teach or coach in them.

Of course I have my own frame of reference (click here to read about me) but the wonderful thing about this work is that the intelligence comes from within you. Your parts understand the ways that you are put together. I don’t have to understand the way you think or who you’re attracted to. You learn how to communicate with the parts within you and get more inner harmony. I help you get the skills to do that. I don’t tell you what you should do.

Obviously, if I can resonate with what’s going on for you, it’s fun for both of us. My intuitive guesses are closer to the mark. But that’s not the point. If I guess wrong, your parts will correct me. Your system has vast intelligence. In many ways this workshop is about weaning yourself off the need to be “gotten” or validated by the people around you, including me.

But don’t take my word for it. Schedule a half hour to talk with me and judge for yourself.

What are the details of the workshop? When? Where? How?

We start meeting Friday, September 25 at 11am Eastern. We meet for 10 weeks online. Calls are not prerecorded but live. There are three different levels of registration to choose from.

  • All workshop recordings for the 10 week class “From Criticism to Connection in Relationships”
  • Access to the private group Facebook page
  • Invitation to Year of Joys graduates group coaching calls

This level is perfect for those who are curious about the role they play in their own happiness and joy, ready to learn about the concepts of shame and vulnerability, and can’t attend the class live. An excellent introductory value.

  • Attend each class live and interactive
  • Partner support with a class member between classes
  • Unlimited email support with Kassandra
  • Access to the private Facebook Group
  • Invitation to Year of Joys graduates group coaching calls

This level is great for those who are ready for change. You’re ready to dive in, get real and vulnerable, and want some help doing it. You’re courageously listening to the voice within you saying “Yes!” You’re ready for more connection and willing to go through some fire to get to it.

  • 3 private 60-minute coaching calls with me
  • Everything from $380 including -
  • Live interactive participation in each class
  • Unlimited email support with Kassandra outside of class
  • Partner from the class for homework and support between classes
  • Access to the private Facebook Group
  • Invitation to Year of Joys graduates group coaching calls

This level is for those ready to surrender into connection and open past their habitual protective strategies. You know you want to feel more love, belonging and joy. You are ready to invest your time and your money to do it. Welcome.